Kaoru's Journal
by ChibiMiMi-chan
Summary: Hikaru finds Kaoru's journal, which was kept under lock and key. What secrets does this book hold?
1. Chapter 1

Hikaru was sitting alone on his bed, possibly more bored than he'd ever been. He decided to straighten up his room in order to occupy himself. He started picking clothes up off of the floor and putting them in the hamper for the maids. He went over to the desk and started to organize the papers. As he was moving things around however, he saw something small and shiny fall to the floor. He bent over to see what he had dropped and found a small key.

He picked it up and examined it. He tried to figure out what it unlocked and decided to try various drawers in the desk. Upon finding one that was locked, he tried the key and after turning it, the drawer slid right open.

Inside it was a green notebook. Curious, Hikaru picked it up and started looking through it. He sat down in the chair to examine his findings.

_What's wrong with me? _

Hikaru gasped at the writing on the first page. It was in Kaoru's handwriting.

_What's wrong with me? I've been feeling differently about Hikaru lately. I've been feeling things that I shouldn't feel about my twin brother. I first noticed it about a week ago. I saw Hika and Haruhi sitting together in the music room after school. A feeling of jealousy burned in the pit of my stomach. They were sitting a little too close and they appeared to be about to hold hands. _

_ Hikaru stared at her with those beautiful eyes of his. He looked at her with love and longing. He was opening up his soul to her. _

_ Something he's only ever done for me. _

Hikaru finished reading and flipped the page to the next dated entry, three days after the first one.

_ I've been having trouble sleeping lately. When I do, I curl up closer to him and try to go back to sleep, but it usually doesn't work. He looks so peaceful in his sleep. I like hearing the sound of his breathing and the steady sound of his heartbeat calms me down and reminds me that I'm safe with him. When I curl up with him, I can smell his heavenly scent. He smells so sweet. I can never get enough of him. _

He went to the next entry. The pages had a few wet spots on them.

_They kissed today. Hikaru and Haruhi kissed today. They held back after the club meeting and Hikaru told me I could go ahead to the limo. I went out, but then I realized that I had forgotten something in the music room. When I went back in, I saw that Hika had her backed up against a wall. They were kissing, their bodies pressed tightly together. His arms held her around her waist and she laced her fingers through his hair. For a moment, all I could do was stare, but I finally tore my eyes away and ran. _

_ It was silent in the limo. He kept trying to ask what was wrong, but I refused to answer because I knew that if I spoke I would burst into tears. Unfortunately, that didn't last for very long because when we got into our room, he stared me down with those wonderful, loving eyes. _

_ I broke down and began to cry. He wrapped me in his strong arms and held me tight, letting me cry on his shoulder. He put a hand on the back of my head and began to stroke. Once I stopped crying, I told him that I'd seen the two of them together. _

_ Hika assumed I was upset because I was in love with Haruhi. I let him believe that because I knew that I could never tell him my true feelings for him. I told him that I knew how much she meant to him so he should be happy. _

_ It's true. I only want Hikaru to be happy even if it means that I have to be miserable. _

Hikaru's eyes grew wide. He stifled a whimper and turned to the next, most recent entry. It was dated from that day.

_I did it. I can't believe I finally did it. I was having trouble sleeping again, so I curled up next to Hikaru. The rhythm of his heart beat was nearly enough to make me fall asleep, but not quite. However, I felt content with not falling back asleep, because I realized that if I was asleep, I wouldn't be awake to enjoy the closeness of my older brother. _

_ I looked up at him. He was smiling, so I assumed he was having a good dream. He looked so sweet and innocent. His lips looked so soft, warm, and inviting. I couldn't help but imagine how they would feel against my own. Perhaps it was his ambrosial scent that was fogging my brain, but I reached up and gave him a gentle, chaste kiss. The moment our lips touched, electricity shot through me like lightning. I couldn't help but steal another, and another, and another, each as careful and loving as the first. _

_ As much as I wanted more, I stopped because I didn't want to risk him waking up and pushing me away. _

_ I can't help these feelings that I hold towards my twin brother. I know I shouldn't, and that it's wrong, but it doesn't matter to me. I know that he'll never return my feelings and that if he ever found out he'd hate me. But it doesn't matter. As much as it hurts me to know that he'll never love me the way I love him, it's enough to know that he'll always be there, and that I'll always love him. _

_ I slept peacefully that night. _

Hikaru finished the entry, beyond shocked. He brought his fingers tenderly to his lips. He placed the notebook back in the drawer, locked it, and returned the key to the desk before exiting the room. A single tear rolled down his cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

Hikaru's head was spinning. He walked out of his and Kaoru's shared bedroom, stumbling a little. He had just read Kaoru's journal. Apparently, Kaoru was in love with him and had kissed him the previous night.

He leaned his head against the wall.

'Why is this so confusing?' he thought. 'Why do I feel like this? Do I want him?'

"H-Hikaru? Are you okay?" A hand was placed tenderly on his shoulder. He jumped and whirled around to see Kaoru watching him, looking quite concerned.

Wow, his eyes are amazing. No! That's wrong.

"I don't know Kaoru," he admitted. "I just have to be alone for a little while." Hikaru turned to leave, but Kaoru grabbed him by the arm.

"What's wrong Hikaru?" he asked sternly. "You never get like this unless you're really mad or really upset. I told you what was wrong the other day, now it's your turn." He paused for a moment, but then his voice softened. "Please Hika? I can't stand to see you like this."

That was too much for Hikaru to handle. He stammered before wheeling around to run downstairs and out the doors into the yard. He went to the back and picked one of the various trees and climbed up it, sitting on a branch that was relatively flat and resembled a seat.

Hikaru hoped that Kaoru wouldn't come to find him, because Kaoru would know exactly where to find him.

Hikaru began to cry; something that nobody had ever seen except for Kaoru. But he could count on one hand how many times he'd cried in front of his twin.

'Kaoru's in love with me?' he asked himself. His eyes grew wide. 'Oh God. That's why he cried when he saw Haruhi and I together. He wasn't sad that she was with someone else, it was that _I _was.' He put his head in his hands. 'How could I have been so stupid?'

He leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree.

'But how do I feel about him? I love him of course, he's my brother. He's the only one in my life I ever cared about or who cared about me before we joined the Host Club. But do I really feel the same way about him?'

A leaf fluttered down from overhead and landed in his lap. He took it in his fingers and started ripping it apart. As he dropped the leaf, more tears began to roll down his cheeks.

'I shouldn't have those kinds of feelings towards him. He's my twin brother for God's sake!' He sighed. 'No matter what, things are going to be different no, aren't they?'

He touched his lips again and jumped out of the tree. He strolled into their bedroom where Kaoru was sitting at the desk, scribbling in his notebook. As soon as he heard the door swing open, he frantically shut the notebook and slammed it back into its drawer.

"Hika, are you okay yet?" Kaoru asked. "What ha-" but he was cut off. Hikaru pressed his lips against Kaoru's. Kaoru was surprised at first, but gave in. The kisses got rougher as they laid down on the bed. Hikaru didn't want to separate from his twin because he knew that if he had time to think, then he would change his mind.

_I can't believe it. I just had sex with Kaoru. _

**A/N: Well, undoubtedly the first chapter was better. It was hard for me to decide whether to add dialog because I originally had meant for the story to just be the one-shot. However, I decided that dialog would make the story flow a little better, but I wanted to limit it as much as possible. I hope you guys like it though. I hope the ending wasn't too confusing. I wanted to leave it up to you about how Hikaru feels. He does love Kaoru, but I'm not sure he feels that way about him. He did sleep with him, but said that he had to do it on impulse. I personally think he did it to make Kaoru happy, but still isn't quite sure how he feels yet… But of course we all know they're in love. XD Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll end it there, but let me know what y'all think, okay? If you liked this story, visit my page. **_**He Is **_**is a little drabble thingy about Kaoru's emotions towards Hikaru. R&R! Bye! **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The first part is what Kaoru was writing before Hikaru came into the room and they 'did the nasty.' I love that phrase. Anyway, on with the story! **

_ Something's wrong with Hikaru. He was about to cry, and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Oh God, I hope he didn't wake up or something last night while I was kissing him. But if he had, wouldn't he have pulled away? Or maybe he was confused about why he didn't? Maybe it was one of those half-awake but still asleep things that you don't remember until the next day. _

_ But I could just be paranoid. Maybe it was something else. God, he's never this hard to read. I know him better than anyone, so why can't I figure this out? _

_ Maybe he's having trouble with Haruhi? I hope not. Although it breaks my heart to see them together, I want Hika to be happy. But why would there be problems? Haruhi would never do anything to hurt him and vice versa. Unless Tono got involved and tried to break them up. _

_ Well, whatever happened, I'm upset as well. Of course I'm sad to see him like that, but it also hurts that whatever it was, he didn't want to confide in me. I miss the days that we used to tell each other everything. I want to go back t-" _

**A/N: End of first entry. Hikaru comes in and Kaoru has to stop writing. **

_Hikaru and I had sex. It was amazing. I had never felt closer to my little brother. I want to do it again, and only with him. Although it hurts a bit to sit down, it was the most amazing thing I'd ever felt and ever will feel. _

_ However, something seemed wrong. Hikaru seemed a bit hesitant, almost like he wasn't completely sure that he wanted it. After that, he seemed more distant. I hope he's okay. I don't want to feel like he felt like he had to do it. Either way, even if it never happens again, I'm glad it did. No matter what, Hikaru and I can never go back to the way things had been, but even though I want nothing more than to go back to our own little world where we only depend on each other, I wouldn't have changed what happened for the world. _

**A/N: First off, sorry for putting the author's note in the story. It makes me a hypocrite because I hate when people do that, but you understand why this was important. Anyway, I hope you guys liked it because I'm ending it there. Even though I'm completely in love with this story, there's not much else I can do with it. I had originally only intended for this to be a one-shot, but I got enough reviews to convince me to lengthen it. Anyway, if you liked it, go to my page and read **_**He Is. **_**It's a little ficlet, drabbley thingy about how Kaoru feels about Hikaru. I'll be uploading more Hitaciincest fics in the future. I'm also considering going with what's popular currently and making a vampire one, but I'm not entirely sure yet. Either way, review with your comments. R&R! Thanks! P.S. Yes, it was absolutely necessary to put in the part about Kaoru not being able to sit down. It was right there people, I couldn't resist. ;) **


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